Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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