batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We need a shit load of segways right now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
