he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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