dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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