I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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