Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
