I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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