Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
