Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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