Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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