so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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