BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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