I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it was like having sex with a tree stump
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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