So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
