Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
