Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
