you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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