I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
