we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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