Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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