Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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