be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
