If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
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I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.