just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.