Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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