What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need a beard to bite.