can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Farmville is her only friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
