I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
