I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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