Pregnant stripper...not hot.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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