had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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