I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
