At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
