oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize