I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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