You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
