btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
