Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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