i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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