im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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