I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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