My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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