I just threw up on my dentist
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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