my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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