Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
