i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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