He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
