If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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