I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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