I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
