Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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