Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
