yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
