Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
