just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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