so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
