i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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