Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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