i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
