do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
