hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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