I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
