I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
