My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
pray to the hookup gods
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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